hiiiiii here i will be posting (hopefully) weekly blogs to journal and track my summer. i steered away from a physical journal as i had one of those in the fall of 2017 so now it feels too reminiscent of my childhood and childish tendencies. also, the asthetic of a keyboard, the typing sounds, perfect font and ability to learn a new skill all magnetizied me to making a site! and a sight it will be <3
this will be a lot of brainvom as i try to learn how to better articulate my thoughts, improve my vocabulary and just in general try and become more poetic and thoughtful. hopefully ill learn to stfu and think abt things for a second before speaking
here is a link bc i am practicing so enjoy some tunes before diving in click meee
i created this blog to document my summer of 24 in digital text form. the first story i have to recount starts about 2 days ago. it was a miserably hot day here and i wanted to spend my sunday painting in solitude, swatting misquitos, which have been especially unrelenting and insolent in their quest for blood this year, and taking ciggie breaks. right now the painting im working on is my first work using oil and it is inspired by the tasty trip gardenia and i just recently took to the hudson valley to see bard folk! it is of a girl sitting on her feet looking up at you on a blue background, meant to be reminiscent of the night i spent with jack and our time at the river lols. but thats a story for another day... naturally, i invited gardenia to come over in the evening as everyone, including nana, had left to go hang out at pag for a big bbq, which i only later discovered was a grill out fit for a pack of hungry wolves. anyways, she spent the night getting all dolled up and eventually persuaded me to meet her out for one quick beer, as long as she promised it would only be one quick beer. i should have known then i had completely jinxed us. we end up walking to grove and there was a surprising amount of people out, cop cars functiong as a lighthouse to the bar immediately meant it would not be a dull night. you ever notice how the more guys that talk to you, the more flock to you? it all started when a random man offered us a green tea shot and some 8 ball. this started the congregation of men surrounding us (im exhaggerating, but this did lead to another random group of men offering us the same exact thing?? weird) so we ditch the first guy and end up taking the 2nd group of 4 boys to the swings next to winn dixie. im walking in btw 2 pretty military boys, holding their hands and feeling rather lucky ducky. the movie challengers just came out and i had a creeping feeling this night would turn out in parallel with the plot of that movie. its getting late so im going to wrap this up but we all ended up going back to my place bc no one was here and we all strip down and jump in the pool. i dont think my feet were touching the floor for more than maybe 3 minutes the entire time bc of how much i was being held in someones arms LOL. it was soooo fun we all played marco polo and did handstands and tried to drown each other (esp the little one on me for that last part, little fucker ate my leftover pasta too lmfao). the pool was lovely but it was getting a bit boring so i invited the boys in to take a warm shower mweheheheh and thats when the mischief began. i ended up with an airforce pilot on my right and a army sniper of my left, naked, wet, unsatiated with the activites thus far and ive always been hellbent on being a good host...i would never want guests to leave unsatisfied. so i satisfied and the satisfaction bled over to me and it was a good night. they left around 6:30 with glitter and a crimson flush covering their faces. crazy how things in life just happen to you and then you have to go process it while scooping ice cream for 6 hours. what a crazy life. anyways lets hope i didnt catch anything #singlelady okay goodnight love you
transcendentalism does not obey the functions of mankind. what a beautiful way to observe life. ill stand in still water until it runs dry, caress each evolution of nature, open my eyes and stay alert. i wish to be aware of everything being made aware around me. nunchi is a korean concept directly translating to 'eye measure', continuous harmony with people, sounds and air that leads to advanced emotional episteme, an unrivaled understanding of ones internal and empirical culture. im rambling bc im trying to learn how to piece words together in a way that makes grammatical sense. i love to practice these days. im attempting fade into you on the guitar, which unfortunately reminds me of her. i had a dream we were hanging out (again) and she was purposefully talking abt her new love to see how i would react. i understood this bc i understand her, as she used to be, be as it may too late to exercise this understanding. if i could go back i would still end up where i am, and i dont regret the actions that brought me here today. i still want her though, the freak i am.
single, fabulous, toxic, two-tone bleached hair, mini skirts and knee high sox.. sound familiar? life only gets more enthralling the less you stare at yourself in the mirror. it seems as though men become more and more attracted to you the less youre in your own head. which is okay because it leaves more head for other spaces and places ;)
well i have a little obsession these days. he is my valentina and im currently listening to him breathe deep restful breaths over my laptop quality speakers. its peaceful and something i never want to foget. i cant stop thinking at him, he lives in my mind. not that i want to stop thinking about him, he is everything lovely, tender and worthy to me. everyday he says or does something thst exceeds my expectations of what i think i deserve. like today, he sent me the sweetest poem out of nowhere. it is called Spring and goes as follows "Somewhere a black bear has just risen from sleep and is staring down the mountain. All night in the brisk and shallow restlessness of early spring I think of her, her four black fists flicking the gravel, her tongue like a red fire touching the grass, the cold water. There is only one question: how to love this world. I think of her rising like a black and leafy ledge to sharpen her claws against the silence of the trees. Whatever else my life is with its poems and its music and its glass cities, it is also this dazzling darkness coming down the mountain, breathing and tasting; all day I think of her, her white teeth, her wordlessness, her perfect love.” ADD PICCCC it reminded me ofhowlittle timr i have left with him, with us as we are. yes he will live on in me and throgh me as our ancestors and predeccesorss live through their impact on us, whether thst be establishing a scent of bread everconnected to your presence and aliveness or the laugh of a baby with no teeth yet. i think the bear is meant to parallel the way the past latently exists and creates everything that we are. yet, how easily it can be lost
i feel as though i have not been writing anything at all, yet have been talking so much about writing. i just have been so caught up with keeping my head on my shoulders, my shoulders that are now showered with kisses in the morning and my head that is full of pretty thoughts, red and warm and tipsy because of elliot. i have so much hw to do so im going to write for 5 minutes and then ill be back but for now ill tell you a little bit about him. im listening to the playlist he made for me, full of elliott smith songs that have lines in them that remind me of him. im almost upset theyre not on a vhs t